Giving difficult feedback

In my previous post on giving written feedback, I said that giving ‘difficult’ feedback deserved a blog post of its own. Here it is! But read the other post first if you haven’t already, for some context.

What’s the goal?

Writing ‘difficult’ or ‘constructive’ feedback for someone usually means that you want them to change their behaviour. This can feel uncomfortable or even rude - many of us don’t like asking people to do something, or telling them they’ve done something bad.

It’s also hard for people to change their ingrained habits, especially if they’ve been doing things a certain way for years.

Therefore it’s important to figure out what’s a realistic expectation from your feedback, and how best you can achieve it. What’s the ideal outcome? What’s a compromise you’re willing to settle for? What’s a practical thing to suggest the person can change?

Tailor it to the person

You probably have an idea of how receptive the person will be to your feedback, and how much sugar-coating you’ll need.

As I said on the previous post, the feedback may be more effective coming via a trusted third party (like their line manager or tech lead), especially if it’s a serious or highly personal topic.

If in doubt, keep it neutral, factual and short. A load of waffle (“It would be great if you might possibly maybe at some point want to think about potentially doing something”) may make you feel ‘nicer’, but your message could get lost in the fog.

Compliment sandwich

Apparently the ideal ratio of positive-to-constructive feedback is around 5 to 1. That’s quite a lot! You may feel like it’s beating around the bush, but highlighting specific good things can help build trust for the recipient (unlike pointless waffle).

Imagine you only ever heard feedback from folks telling you what was wrong. You’d get disheartened pretty quickly! “There’s just no pleasing them.” Imposter syndrome is real. Humans need reassurance and encouragement, even if there are also problems that need fixing.

As the feedback-giver, you want the recipient to know that you’re trying to help them improve and do well, and that you are able to tell when they have improved and done well.

Sandwiching a constructive statement inside 5 compliments can be tricky, especially if the ‘what should I improve’ question is in its own section of a form. If your sentence sounds too blunt on its own, remember you can always send the sandwiched version of your feedback via email or put it all in the ‘everything else’ box.

Describing the problem

So how do we actually write the difficult bit? Start by writing down the basic problem for yourself:

“Mulder keeps leaving the lids off his jars of experimental alien goo, and it’s stinking the place out.”

Try rewriting this as a passive statement beginning “I’ve noticed…”, like you’re stating an impartial fact that has nothing to do with the recipient:

“I’ve noticed there’s a bad smell in the office from the alien goo jars.”

Now ask yourself what the impact is. Be as grumpy as you like:

“It’s so gross. Scully says she wants to move teams and will quit on the spot if she has to clean up spilled purple algae off the desk one more time.”

Rewrite again as an anonymised passive statement:

“The smell is badly affecting some of the team and making it difficult for them to carry out their work.”

Be careful not to slip in to passive-agressive mode - remember, we’re not pointing fingers or blaming anyone.

Describing the action

Now we need the constructive suggestion part. Think about the ideal outcome(s), and what action is required to get there:

“Scully doesn’t quit”
“The FBI office is clean and doesn’t stink of alien goo.”
“Mulder tidies up after himself at the end of the day.”
(stretch goal) “Mulder doesn’t make a mess in the first place”

It can sometimes be useful to do a bit of root cause analysis. Why do you think this problem is happening? Has something changed recently?

“Maybe Mulder doesn’t think the jars smell at all and doesn’t know there’s a problem. I wonder when he last did a lateral flow test?”

Hopefully now you can start writing a constructive suggestion. Say what action to take, your desired outcome, and why it’s important.

“Some folks are more sensitive to smells than others. If you can make sure the lids are tightly on the alien goo jars at the end of each day, this will help the team keep the office clean and fragrant.”

Note that I didn’t suggest Mulder get a COVID test - that feels a bit too personal, and there may be other, spookier, reasons why his sense of smell is AWOL. Or it might be that he does know about the alien goo problem, but doesn’t know what to do about it.

Another useful framing device is to suggest what’s worked for you in the past. You do action X, and that’s why you don’t have problem Y. This can reassure the recipient that no-one’s perfect, and they’re not the first person to ever encounter this problem.

“I’ve found setting a reminder at 4.45pm to clear any purple algae off my desk has helped me stay tidy in the past.”

The Prime Directive

The tips above won’t be suited to every scenario. In some cases they might even make things worse, so use your judgement. Above all, remember the Prime Directive:

We understand and truly believe that everyone did the best job they could, given what they knew at the time, their skills and abilities, the resources available, and the situation at hand.

Give the recipient the benefit of the doubt. Assume that they want to improve, and your feedback is part of a collaborative process between you, to help them do that.

In summary:

Be kind
Keep the feedback factual
Suggest concrete actions
Highlight the benefits to the recipient and the wider team